Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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