Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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