Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
