end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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