"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
