I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
