Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
