was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
