At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
