I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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