Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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