Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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