The maid of honor just puked.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
