I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
