life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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