My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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