dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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