connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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