I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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