god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
