About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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