ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
