I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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