Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
