my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
