i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
