Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
