I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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