Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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