On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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