I just pynch a tree in the face
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
