Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
