DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
