Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
