When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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