I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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