Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
