This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
