Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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