I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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