textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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