i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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