and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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