I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
