Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
