Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
