just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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