genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I wish there were birth control emojis
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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