Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i want to swaddle you in tequila
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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