You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
