My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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