My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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