Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
