Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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