Dude my mom stole all your condoms
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
