I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize