Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
