these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
