you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
